Derek Jeter Gift
Suggestions For MLB Teams
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The Farewell Tour For The Sure Fire First-Ballot Hall-of-Famer Will Surely Be A Love Fest Rife With Gifts, But After The Months-Long Gala That Was Mariano Rivera’s Goodbye, Some Team’s Might Need Fresh Suggestions
By Wayne Schutsky
Modern Times Magazine
April 8, 2014 — Now that the 2014 MLB Regular Season has officially begun and the Travelling Derek Jeter Roadshow is in full swing, I have a few suggestions for each team that will host the Yankees this year as they attempt to come up with the perfect gift for the retiring legend.
Last season we saw some teams come up with great gifts for the departing Mariano Rivera — Chair of Broken Dreams from the Minnesota Twins. And, there were some duds: c'mon Angels, an oil painting is a little “un-baseball” dontcha think?
So, in order to avoid any more gaffs, I have come up with the perfect gift each team can bestow upon Mr. November.
Freezer with two-year's worth of Texas Rib Eye steaks. I know they already gave him a 10-gallon hat and some golf clubs, but I just don't see Jeter strutting around in cowboy attire and I am pretty sure he already has his own clubs. Give him something he can gorge on now that he does not have to stay in tip-top shape all of the time.
Toronto Blue Jays
Adam and Eve-style role playing outfit made of maple leaves. Dating model after model after actress after singer after model must get boring. Toronto can really do Jeter a solid and give him something to spice up the bedroom. Maybe add in a little syrup to use a la whipped cream in Varsity Blues...wait, that could get messy.
Tampa Bay Rays
Tampa Bay Ray's lifetime tickets. Now that Jeter is retiring to his home in Florida, why not provide him with a little free baseball entertainment anytime he wants to catch a game. Lord knows they have more than a few empty seats to give away.
Boston Red Sox
A collage of the best fan insults hurled at Jeter in Fenway. Jeter and the Sox have been arch-nemeses since he entered the league. It would seem disingenuous and wrong for them to get chummy now just because he is retiring.
Los Angeles Angels
An oil painting of Jeter with angel's wings and the body of a Greek God, holding a bat in one hand with the bodies of Nomar Garciaparra, Miguel Tejada and Alex Rodriguez at his feet. If you are going to give a grown man an oil painting, make it worth it.
Have Bob Uecker record Jeter's voicemail message for his phone. It doesn't get any better than the most iconic voice in fictional baseball and the Brewers have the sway to make this happen. "I juuuuuuust missed your call."
New York Mets
A The King of Queens box set. Because they're the Mets.
A life size portrait of that anatomically correct Clark the Cub drawing with Jeter's head superimposed on the body. Why? Better yet, why the hell not?
Chicago White Sox
Two pairs of white socks. Because Chicago's other team has always kind of been the bland aunt of the MLB.
St. Louis Cardinals
A life size statue of Jeter made entirely out of baby back ribs. It is kind of like the Angels and Rangers gifts all in one, an homage to the man and a nice snack.
Kansas City Royals
Another life size statue made out of ribs. Because there is no way in hell Kansas City is going to let St. Louis crown itself the ribs capital of the country.
A framed picture of Jeter's old buddy Robinson Cano. Because changing teams does not completely eradicate a long friendship. The bond between double play partners is a strong one.
A bargain bin movie from Costco, three packs of gum and garage sale lamp. Why? Moneyball.
A rocking chair made out of all of the baseballs Jeter hit for extra bases in Minnesota. Because Minnesota knows a good schtick when it has one.
A super cool mixtape about moving on created by the best that the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame has to offer.
The cheers of Orioles fans, knowing that one of the many roadblocks that has kept them from the postseason is finally gone.
A high five? Detroit is kind of on the outs right now and it would not be fair to ask them to give a gift to a multi-millionaire.
Wayne Schutsky is a senior contributor to Modern Times Magazine.
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