As Deflategate Simmers,
Patriots Plot Next Tricks
Despite The Attention Brought About By The Under-Inflated Balls, Belichick And The New England Patriots Are Likely Plotting Some Way To Gain A Tactical Advantage In The Super Bowl
By Wayne Schutsky
Modern Times Magazine
Jan. 27, 2015 — The Super Bowl is only a few days away and rather than focusing on the big game most fans and pundits are arguing about whether or not the New England Patriots deflated the footballs in their big 45-7 AFC Championship victory over the Indianapolis Colts.
Did the Patriots do it? Probably. But, also, who gives a shit? As Colts tight end Dwayne Allen said in response to the “Deflategate” controversy, the Patriots could have played with “soap for balls” and still won.
When all is said and done, someone in the Patriots organization probably had something to do with the less-than-inflated balls. And, that someone’s name probably rhymes with Smellicheck or Bom Shady even though the NFL is going to try and convince us that it’s found out that the guilty party is, in fact, a locker room attendant or assistant to the assistant of assistive locker room affairs or some bullshit like that.
Plain and simple, New England has a history of pushing (and breaking) the rules to win games. Spygate. Deflategate. Hell, the team even pulled off Formationgate (???) against the Ravens earlier in the playoffs.
Even though the team is now under the microscope, I don’t expect it to quit its deceptive ways anytime soon, especially since the Seattle Seahawks are no Indianapolis Colts. The Patriots are going to need a few tricks up their sleeves if they want to come away with the Super Bowl title this year. Seattle is simply too good a team for the Patriots to face on an even field. So, here are a few of the potential sleights of hand you might see Belichick, Brady and the Pats pull out on Sunday.
Nothing will tilt the odds in the Patriots favor like literally creating an uneven playing field. If New England plays its cards right, it could have the Seahawks offense fighting an uphill battle for all 60 minutes.
The plan begins in earnest the night before the big game when Belichick petitions Rob Gronkowski to throw a pre-Super Bowl dance party on one half of the field. Three Gangnam Styles in and the sheer weight of Gronk and his bros will begin to erode the concrete that sits beneath the University of Phoenix turf.
Once that’s done, all Belichick has to do is rig the coin toss, which is practically child’s play at this point.
Also, I know that this will only give the Patriots an advantage for half of the game and actually work against the team for the other half. However, Belichick has already thought about that and has had his entire team running on treadmills set to maximum incline in preparation for the Super Bowl.
Since the game is being played in Arizona, Tom Brady will likely decide to throw some local flair into his game by concealing a Glock 19 handgun inside that weird little satchel quarterbacks use to warm their hands or touch their balls or whatever.
Arizona residents 21 and older are allowed to carry a concealed weapon without a permit in the state and that’s why Brady quietly began residing in the state a few years ago in preparation for Super Bowl XLIX.
Yes, he had that much foresight. Tom Brady is both cocky and an evil genius. Word on the street is Giselle was not happy with the move, especially because Brady, like so many out of towners, bought a home in Tolleson because he thought it was a really good value and “that’s basically Phoenix, right?”
Don’t be surprised if Brady kneecaps Bruce Irvin to avoid a potential sack or clips Kam Chancellor prior to launching a long ball to Gronk.
The Patriots lack punch in the passing game. Gronk has some big play ability but the rest of Brady’s targets are underwhelming. Julian Edelman? His YouTube library is more impressive than his football career.
That’s why Belichick has secretly brought Wes Welker back from the Denver Broncos to suit up in another Super Bowl alongside Brady.
Everyone thought it was weird when the Patriots added an unknown punter named Jes Melker to the roster. Who needs two punters? The Seahawks will sure be surprised when Melker (AKA Welker) lines up in the slot and catches 30 passes for 100 yards and 3 touchdowns.
No one will catch on to any of this tomfoolery until moments Brady is hoisting the Lombardi Trophy above his head and Belichick has unplugged his CPU for the night, and by then it will be too late. If Deflategate has taught us anything, it’s that in the NFL it’s not cheating if you don’t get caught while the game is still currently being played.
Wayne Schutsky is a senior contributor to Modern Times Magazine.
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