Andrew Thomas Stands Up
To Phoenix Gay Lobby
Former County Attorney Gears Up To Run For Governor By Touting His Harsh Stance On Immigration And Bravery In The Face Of The Gay Lobby But Ends Up In A Place He Didn’t Expect
By Biff Bottoms
Modern Times Magazine’s Satire Bureau
July 25, 2014 — Andrew Thomas will be making a run at the Governor’s chair come November and when he does, he does not want the public to remember the fact that he was disbarred and disgraced for defiling the public trust. He wants them to remember his courage in the face of evil when he mightily stood up to the “Gay Lobby.”
“Now don’t get me wrong, I think homosexual Americans have at least as many rights as women or Mexicans. But someone has got to be able to reign them in when they are asking for all of the rights and privileges of godfearing, straight white men,” said Thomas.
Thomas belief in that sentiment so much, apparently, that he took it straight to the lobby.
On July 11, Thomas, his wife, Ann, and their four children were on their way home from a family gathering on 56th Avenue and Camelback Road when he was struck with searing pain in the groin region. That searing pain was the pain of urine desperately having to escape Thomas’s bladder, he said.
“Man, I had to piss like a racehorse,” said Thomas.
It was past 11 p.m., and Thomas was driving down Camelback Road desperately looking for a store or restaurant that was open that would allow him to relieve himself. He claims the urge to urinate was clouding his usually impeccable ‘gaydar,’ and after being turned down by several places, he approached Seventh Avenue.
Thomas saw the lights on at a bar called Charlie’s and decided to make a stop. He told the family to wait in the car and ran for the door. The security guard recognizing that Thomas was of age, and performing an obvious ‘pee pee’ dance, held the door open and allowed Thomas in with no ID check. He had tunnel vision, he said, for a toilet and made a beeline for the bathroom as quickly as he could.
Once able to free himself of his liquid burden, Thomas once again had his wits about him, he says, and while he was washing his hands in the immaculate bathroom, he noticed the bar’s great taste in music. He then pondered for a moment, he says, to think Charlie’s might be a place to visit. That is until he realized what was going on around him.
“I walked out of the bathroom and immediately felt violated by what I saw. Men dancing with men, drinking cosmopolitans, and in some cases, they were touching each other — sexually — I don’t mean handshakes. I realized that I had inadvertently entered the Gay Lobby,” said Thomas.
Thomas, not being a man to mix words, took swift action in deciding to stand up to the Gay Lobby.
The former County Attorney grabbed hold of his crotch (to make sure no one else tried to) and marched up to the bar and ordered a fuzzy navel, he says. He then stood up on the bar and began shouting derogatory slurs at the bar’s gay patrons, spilling out his drink on them in a showing of disgust.
Unfortunately for Thomas, no one could hear him over the music and the crowd thought he was just a drunk partier looking for some attention.
“They all crowded around me and started dancing and opening their mouths while looking up at me and closing their eyes. So I just poured the rest of the drink into the best looking ones ... I mean the most disgusting one’s mouth and took off for the door,” he said.
At least one person who was there that night collaborated what happened to Thomas in the Gay Lobby.
“Yeah I remember that guy,” said a Charlie’s bartender who chose to remain nameless, “I even recognized him and could hear what he was saying on the bar. I wanted to kick him out but the patrons seemed to like it, and he had a cute ass.”
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