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Hayden Raises a Ruckus at Democratic Seance

The renowned 'Silent Senator' makes a lot of noise about the current state of the Arizona Democratic party

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By Mark Miwerdz
Lighter Side News Bureau

Sept. 1, 2010 — Bereft of ideas of how to salvage a disastrous 2010 campaign, the Arizona Democratic Party recently turned to the metaphysical realm to give them a boost before election day. They got more than they bargained for, however, when former Arizona scion Carl Hayden reached from the other side to berate the state of the party he built.

"You dad gum morons have made me so mad, I have waited until the afterlife to reverse the 'Silent Senator' label," Hayden reportedly called out from the great beyond. "You all need to get dunked in the Salt River...Tempe Town Lake, or whatever! Aaaargh."

Party officials were taken aback and one even tried to escape the room, but according to information acquired by Modern Times Magazine's Lighter Side bureau, they were unable to open the doors until Hayden said he was finished with his diatribe.

"Don't even think about trying to open up that door. I recruited some of my old deputies to make sure you all hear some of what I got to say, even if you wet yer knickers hearing it!" said the one time Maricopa County Sheriff.

Hayden reportedly then proceeded to read off a litany of complaints, but focused on two: the candidates sent to the slaughter against John McCain and the lack of a challenger against current Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio since he first won the office in 1994.

"What the heck is wrong with you all...you believed Rodney Glassman was going to put millions of his own money into the campaign? What kind of lily-livered, pencil necks are you? McCain is vulnerable and you guys go ahead and put up Glassman, Doughtery and the rest of 'em. Heck, McCain only beat Obama in 2008 by 200,000 votes in Arizona out of more than 2.5 million votes cast, dad gum it."

Reportedly, the language used to describe his feelings on the Democratic response to Arpaio was too graphic for publication. Anonymous sources have indicate, though, that he was none to happy.

Republican blogger Sybil Canker wrote that if true, Hayden was right on the money.

"First of all, let me say that this might just be a big stunt on the part of Democratic leadership, but regardless, the statements we are hearing Hayden made are right on the mark," Canker said. "After all, not one of the Democratic candidates for U.S. Senate has a chance."

Democratic strategist Will Dowell said if Hayden really did come back and speak to Democratic leadership, it only goes to prove the long held belief that since Hayden dominated from statehood in 1912 to his last year in office in 1969, it is time for Republicans to dominate.

"What Sen. Hayden might not understand is that fair is fair and he and the Democrats held dominance over this state for more than 50 years. It is just nice manners to let the Republicans have a go for a while," Dowell said.
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