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Four Festivals Fold In Favor

Of Touring Mega-Spectacle

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Coachella, Sasquatch, Bonnaroo, And Austin City Limits Will Be Closing Up Shop As Of 2017 And Changing The Format Of American Music Festivals Forever


By Lang Kornfeld
Modern Times Magazine Lighter Side Bureau

Feb. 3, 2015 — As Coachella and Bonnaroo make headlines in the music world with the release of their 2015 lineups, the big-wigs behind America’s biggest music festivals are working together to concoct a whole new sort of musical event.

A source from deep within the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival who has chosen to remain nameless has said that Coachella, Bonnaroo, Sasquatch, and Austin City Limits have all agreed to disband by the year 2017. The reason for the shift will be to form a new traveling mega-festival to be known as Bonchellaquatch Limits.

The lead sponsor in this endeavor will be private military firm Academi, formerly known as Blackwater, and the festival grounds that each show used to occupy will be repurposed as training grounds for their military contractors.

The festivals themselves will all become one giant touring mega show that will make stops in all 50 state capitals as well as 25 select other cities. Haliburton will be providing all of the touring gear for the lighting, sound, and staging.

“We thought this would be a good opportunity to show the American people that though we are a private military firm we are still all about peace and love,” said Gen. Norman Schwartzkopf Academi’s spokesperson. “And the music festival crowd is full of young able bodied American’s, what better place to start recruiting,” he added.  

The Academi Bonchellaquatch Limits Festival will be hitting the road starting the second weekend of April, Coachella Weekend, 2017 starting with the inaugural show in Helena, Mont., according to the source from within Coachella. The initial headliners for the three-day traveling musical extravaganza are slated to be The Rolling Stones, Nickelback, and Celine Dion. The Stones on Friday April 8,  Nickleback, April 9, and Dion, April 10.
The source was also able to name a quite a few of the midcard acts that a included such names like Skrillex, Cheap Trick, Megadeth, Kid Rock, Creed, Will Smith. Lana Del Ray, and a slew of other nationally-relevant bands.

To further separate this fest from it’s festival forefathers, tickets, merchandise, and food at the festival will be free for those who agree to volunteer at any of Academi or Haliburton facilities across the United States.

According to the confidential source, a free ticket can be earned after 40 hours of volunteer work,  25-hours for a hoodie, 20-for a T-shirt, and 18-hours for a hat.
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