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Arizona GOP Looks To UFC

For New House Rules

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Caption: MMA fighters support Arizona incoming speaker of the House David Gowan of Sierra Vista Friday in Phoenix.
Image by Modern Times Magazine Lighter Side Bureau
In The Shadow Of The State Capitol Building Friday, New Arizona Speaker Of The House David Gowan Introduced Local Ultimate Fighting Championship Competitors That Made A Neck Chop More Potent Than A Piggyback Bill

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By Daniel Tito Ortiz-White
Special for Modern Times Magazine

Dec. 12, 2014 — The Arizona Legislature hosted Arizona-based athletes in the Ultimate Fighting Championships Friday afternoon, and anonymous sources told representatives of the Modern Times Magazine Lighter Side Bureau that the new House leadership, led by David Gowan of Sierra Vista, is considering whether to scrap parliamentary rules in favor of grapples and knee blocks.

“The GOP has had a stranglehold — pun definitely intended — on state government for several years, but the intention is to take it to the next level in order to get what they want passed,” the anonymous source said.

At Friday’s event, Gowan did not reveal his plans, but did reveal he was a big fan of MMA and that he has a background in martial arts.

“I do a little MMA on some political matters,” Gowan said. “I go for the throat.”

Ultimate Fighting is watched in 29 countries by more than 800 million television households. Arizona is home to more than 875,000 fans, and has ties to 37 active UFC fighters: 12 were born in Arizona, 16 live here, and 9 have attended school in Arizona.

It is unknown how many of them are republicans, but the source indicated that if the reaction to the torture report earlier this week is any indication, most are republicans.

“Fortunately, however, they always end up beating themselves up,” the source said.

Former Arizona Rep. Jonathan Paton, who sponsored HB 2834 in 2008 that made it legal for MMA fights to be held in the state, was also present. He said the fight this weekend at Talking Stick Resort Arena (formerly US Airways Center) is the culmination of more than 6 years of work.

“We knew (in 2008) that even if we got it passed, we might never get the UFC to come out here,” Paton said.

The anonymous source said it was initially Paton’s idea to stretch UFC rules to the legislature but that was scuttled when he left the body in 2010 in an unsuccessful bid to unseat Gabrielle Giffords.

“The plan was to make it a legal sport and then beat up some liberals,” the source said.

The anonymous source said the secret UFC plan being hatched by Gowan and his “corner men” is to spring the new rules just after the state of the state address and if anyone gets rowdy, they’ll get laywayed.

In response to the alleged threat, some Arizona democrats have begun training, according to the source.

“The republicans definitely have some big boys that you don’t want to get into a wrestling match with, but most of them are really a bunch of big bullies,” the source said. “And, there are a couple of democrats that might bring a liberal amount of whip-ass to the battle.”
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