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Andrew Thomas’ Big Stick

Gave Him Brain Damage

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An artists supposition of what a piece of lumber might have looked like while striking Andrew Thomas.
According To Sources Close To The Disbarred Attorney, An Accidental Thumping From The Piece of Lumber Began His Road To Lunacy


By Tim B.R. Weyerhauser
Modern Times Magazine

June 9, 2012 — Sources close to Andrew Thomas have made a startling anonymous admission to the Lighter Side Division of Modern Times Magazine, claiming the former Maricopa County Attorney was hit on the head by the framing lumber he has been carrying around recently, and that his injuries have caused him to emulate the life of legendary Tennessee lawman Buford T. Pusser.

The source claims that Pusser was Thomas’ boyhood idol. Thomas was raised in Missouri’s Ozarks, nearby to Adamsville, Tennessee, the home of Pusser. Thomas was watching “Walking Tall,” starring Joe Don Baker soon after he won the Maricopa County Attorney’s office in 2004 when the incident occurred, according to the source.

“He was hiding some skeletons in his attic and I guess someone had left a big piece of a 2 by 4 up there. Some how or another, he slipped on the ladder and tried to grab on to this unsecured 2 by 4. Of course, it was no help at all,” the source said. “Initially, he thought he was lucky because he had fallen to the floor and was OK, but little did he know that the 2 by 4 was slipping out and plopped him right on the head. Must have sounded like a baseball bat hitting a bowling ball. Those are 10 foot ceilings he’s got at his place.”

The source, who said he was a personal friend of Thomas until the incident, said he was called by Thomas' cleaning lady who found him sprawled out on a Monday morning. The source said Thomas’ wife, Ann Estrada Thomas, and their four children, were on vacation at the time.

“When I got over there, he was swinging that 2 by 4 around, claiming that the Dixie Mafia and State Line Mob were behind this attack on his life. Eventually I figured out he was talking about the "Walking Tall" movie that was playing on the DVD player. It was a madhouse. Eventually, I got him to calm down by convincing him he was not Buford Pusser. That the Dixie Mafia was in the movie,” the source said.

Thomas refused to go to the hospital to treat his wounds, however, and when the source stayed with Thomas throughout the night awaiting his wife’s return, he said Thomas began to realize who he was but began to turn the Dixie Mafia into the ‘Maricopa Mafia’ and the State Line Mob to the ‘County Line Mob.’

“The whole time he was talking about corruption and breaking these groups up and he slept with the 2 by 4 that night. It was really a strange thing,” the source said.

The next day, his wife arrived and the source said he implored her to take Thomas to the hospital. She thanked him kindly and sent him on his way. That would be one of the last times he saw Thomas, he said.

“I saw him at a craft fair about a year later and asked him how he was doing. He started talking to me like I was a top-secret undercover agent. He even yelled at me for saying hello to him in public,” he said. “I worried about the guy, but hell, we are free in Arizona to be a crazy as we want to be. It’s in our constitution.”

The source said he felt like he had to come forward once he saw the 2 by 4 with Thomas when he made an appearance on a local television station.

“When I saw he brought the 2 by 4 on the television, I knew this incident was the root of his anti-corruption campaign. He's had brain damage since he became county attorney,” he said.

The Modern Times Magazine Lighter Side Division is an elite fighting force of journalists and writers dedicated to proving nothing is true and everything is permitted.
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Andrew Thomas’ Big Stick Gave Him Brain Damage

According To Sources Close To The Disbarred Attorney, An Accidental Thumping From The Piece of Lumber Began His Road To Lunacy.