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Twitter Evolves Out Of

Celebrity Lovefest

Bobby Bottleservice
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Ashton Kutcher might have helped make Twitter popular, but the next wave of Twitter "stars" are witty, not famous. Image by David Shankbone and used under the terms of a Creative Commons license.
Some Of The Best New Accounts To Follow Are Not Celebrities With Too Much Time On Their Hands, But Cultural Crusaders With Sharp Wits

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By Wayne Schutsky
Modern Times Magazine

June 21, 2012 — The Twitter Evolution is at hand.  The social media network made its mark on the world by connecting celebrities with “everyday” people through its micro-blogging platform. But now, a new, niche-group of users is gaining followers: the fictional celebrity.

I am not talking about the slew of hacks that create fake accounts for Kim Kardashian or Brad Pitt solely for the attention.  Rather, I am talking about the inventive, and often hilarious, souls that tweet on behalf of completely fictional characters, long-dead philosophers, classic American authors, and other seemingly irrelevant personas.

These anonymous users have created some of the most interesting and entertaining Twitter feeds by mixing fact and fiction as they take well-known historical figures, fictional characters, and other off the wall individuals and tweak them through a little sarcasm and topical humor.

Twitter began with a pretty simple game plan that was enormously successful in connecting average Joes with the crackpots they idolize. By limiting posts to 140 characters or less, the Twitter creators tapped into two of the defining traits of this generation—laziness and a short attention span.

Twitter engages an insane amount of celebrities, and their legions of fans by proxy, because there is a finite amount of work or dedication required. Instead of having to commit to writing a lengthy blog post twice a week to keep fans engaged, Paris Hilton just has to remind us every goddamn night that it is, in fact, 11:11 and we should make a wish. And the endgame is the same — eyeballs.

More than any other form of media, Twitter makes fans feel like they are a part of a celebrity's life because there is something intimate about knowing when Ashton Kutcher is taking a shit.

So, it is evident that millions of people will scrawl their feeds every day to find out what Shaq ate for breakfast or what Lady Gaga thinks about whatever it is that she thinks about.

But it seems that followers may be getting tired of following the same old celebrities.  After a while, all of the red carpet updates and out-of-touch observations just start to feel cliché and played out.

And the new fictional niche players are here to fill the void.

In order to break up the tedium, here are a few of the new stars of Twitter you should follow — the fictional heroes using revisionist history, sarcasm, and a whole lot of wit to take some of the attention away from the celebrity shitters you are used to.

Friedrich Nietzsche (@TinyNietzsche)
What do you get when you mix a 19th century iconoclastic philosopher and modern pop culture references: Tiny Nietzsche. Nietzsche's tweets can be hit or miss at times but are generally humorous quips mixing nihilist or existential philosophies with more contemporaneous fare. @TinyNietzsche's followers can expect a constant slew of sardonic tweets rattled off at a fairly regular rate.  These tweets are not safe for children. As with the real Nietzsche, no topics are off limits on this twitter feed.  Sex, death, off-color humor. @TinyNietzsche is the twitter iconoclast his namesake never knew he was capable of inspiring.

Best Tweet: Tiny Nietzsche is 167 and Pregnant.


Bobby Bottleservice (@akaBobbyB)
Take one part Jersey Shore and one part hilarious comedian and the distorted genetic reject produced looks a lot like Bobby Bottleservice. His tweets do not come all that regularly anymore, but what he does post is generally pretty funny. From deep inside of comedian Nick Kroll comes this wannabe guido with a penchant for hair gel and repping his street cred. Kroll hits gold because of his alter-ego's ability to mix the comedic sensibilities of a professional funnyman and the hilarious potential inherent within the mind and actions of every dimwitted member of the Jersey club culture. @akaBobbyB is at once a social experiment, cultural indictment, comedic masterpiece, and all-around douchebag.

Best Tweet:  coz when push come to glove, like, i will best u coz my heart is hard and noone can stop my motivation inaswell as drive to b VERY cool


The Batman (@God_Damn_Batman)
In most comic book and movie incarnations, Bruce Wayne is a pretty acerbic guy. He is terse, angry and an overall hard-ass. But @God_Damn_Batman takes this motif to another level.  As the name designates, this tweeter is just plain pissed off all of the time and lets everyone know it. He is also not a huge fan of anyone. Unlike regular Batman who is trying to save mankind, The Batman views every human as a potential criminal. Much like @TinyNietzsche, this sharp-tongued dialogue is also peppered with cultural references that have no place in the Batman universe. It is this ironic mix that makes the account such a great one. Who knew Batman had enough time to keep up on current events and find nine different ways to say fuck you?

Best Tweet: In line for Prometheus. Surveilling people who say they’re more excited to see it than Dark Knight Rises. And choking them out.


Edgar Allan Poe (@Edgar_Allan_Poe)
This fictional feed is the one that errors closest to truth. Sure, Poe has been dead for quite a while now, but if he was still alive this just may be what his twitter account would look like.  While it references modern situations and problems, the feed is full of the witty, odd, and amusing observations Poe has always been known for, all done in a relatively accurate vernacular. Just as you would imagine, the Twitter Poe is a weird dude with an opinion on a variety of subjects. He is sometimes depressed, very often funny, and willing to dish out criticism at almost anything. Poe is also very responsive to his followers, giving plenty of retweets and responses.

Best Tweet: Grown men donning flip flops other than beachside is a tragic consequence of our infantile society.

Twitter is changing. The reign of Kutcher, Shaq, and Kardashian is coming to an end. A new breed of tweeter is taking over the landscape and it is coming with a vengeance.  No more bowel movement updates, no more "what did I have for lunch" pictures, no more "I'm a celebrity, my life is so hard" tweets.  They are all falling by the wayside.

These new twitter stars are smart, funny and opinionated.  They do not care about what you think of them and could not care less about shallow celebrity.

Oh, and they are not real. But they never fail to keep it real.

Wayne Schutsky is a freelance writer living in Phoenix.
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