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Happy Birthday, Barack,

Here’s Some Cash

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Illustration of President Barack Obama celebrating his birthday. Images by DonkeyHotey, mags20_eb, and VectorPortal and used under the terms of a Creative Commons license.
As The President Enjoys A Happy Birthday, His Wife And Others Are Busy Planning A Secret Cash Collecting Event To Benefit His Campaign

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By Adam Piontkowski
Special for Modern Times Magazine

Aug. 4, 2012 — I recently got a very special e-mail from my good friend Michelle Obama. I was slightly amazed that Michelle would take the time to send me an e-mail, but it must have been about something very important.

She e-mails me pretty often, and it always has a nice message. In her e-mail, I learned that Barack Obama’s birthday is today and that he is now 51-years-old. Michelle is holding a big surprise behind his back and getting everyone to virtually sign his birthday card.

Presented with this opportunity to sign the president of the United States of America’s 51st birthday card, I surely did so with no hesitation. How could one possibly balk at an opportunity to pay homage to their president?

After signing the card, I received another opportunity to pay homage to my president. This time it was in the form of Visa, MasterCard, Discover, or American Express.  I thought to myself, “How frickin’ awesome is that?”

I personally think money is one of the greatest gifts you can get on your birthday, and you can spend it on any other gift someone would get you, except something hand-made, but a lot of that is crap. I am pretty broke right now, and I am sure my buddy Barry would understand, so I regretfully had to deny sending my man some money. I then sat in awe for a little while about how cool my friend Barry was and how much money he would get as a birthday present, because of how many nice and generous friends he had. I like to think of myself as nice and generous, and I like to surround myself with like-minded people, so I think I would get along with all of Barry’s other really awesome friends all around the country.

I feel like Barry’s friends genuinely like him and believe in him as a leader and will do whatever it takes so he is happy on his birthday. Barry seems pretty cool though, and will most likely have a happy birthday whether people give him money or not, but who doesn’t love when they get a card from one of their great uncles, who they have not heard from in awhile, especially when you know he is super loaded.

The big problem I see, however, is that Barry doesn't even get to keep all his birthday money — he has to spend it on boring, useless campaigning. I guess seeing your face on an ad during prime time at the Olympics is not so bad, but I imagine Barry is pretty used to seeing his face all over TV, and for a lot of those occasions he does not really have to pay for anything.

So I guess it turns out most of Barack's birthday money will be going to Comcast to pay for his Olympics advertising, which are basically just reminders of how much of a piece of crap Mitt Romney is, which some people do still need reminded of at this point. Unfortunately, Mitt Romney’s birthday is not until March but sources say he may buy his birthday money on margin in order to get it before Election Day.

Money is going to be involved in any campaigning, as long as people continue to be hypnotized by the boob tube and the like. Social media seemed like a way for people to take back their own beliefs and leadership, rather than having it shoved down their throat, but with Facebook going public, it seems those days are over as well.

The human race will remain a race, and to win this race you must be able to schmooze your way to the top with class, and earn the title of top salesman. What you offer does not matter so much as how you present what you offer, as unique and popular offerings are becoming more and more plentiful, but are not getting any recognition because of their lack of the most important catalyst, money. Thus, being a good salesman who can get money out of people is of great importance, but surrounding yourself with the most money is going to make you the top salesman.

The president exemplifies this more than anybody at this time, he is unique, popular, and needs your money for anything to really work, and being the president, he's in a very good position to raise some. I may not have given any money for Barry's birthday like a lot of his wealthy friends and their companies, but at least I signed the card lamenting the fact that I do think Barack is a classy salesman, and I do like his offerings, and by writing an article about this I am further showing that I will buy what Barack is selling, and will hang up and complain about Mitt and his telemarketing cronies.

Happy Birthday Barry!

Here’s the nice letter from Michelle in case anyone is interested:

Friend —

Barack's 51st birthday is coming up.

Sign his card here

I hope you'll wish him a happy birthday by signing the card we're putting together for him. You'll be adding your name, from Arizona, alongside thousands of other supporters' names — folks from all 50 states, from all different backgrounds. Together, all those names will be impressive — they'll show the strength of this campaign and our support for Barack.

And I know he's going to love it.

Add your name today — and then ask a friend to join you:

Sign his card here

These last few months until Election Day won't be easy -- so let's show Barack we have his back every step of the way.

— Michelle
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