Five Weirdest State-Based
U.S. Online Shopping Trends
Thanks To One Company’s Deep Dive Into Google Shopping Trends, Items Like Gucci Fanny Packs, Confederate Flag Bikinis And Truck Nuts Reveal The True Nature Of The United States
By Wayne Schutsky
Modern Times Magazine
May 9, 2017 — Real estate company Estately recently dove deep into Google Shopping trends and revealed the top items online consumers shopped for in each state.
And the list reveals a lot about the unique cultures encapsulated in the 50 little bubbles that make up the United States. That’s because the facade of technology hides our true selves—not the sanitized version we put on display in public—and can reveal the various freak flags we secretly fly.
Just take a look at Kindle, iPads and other tablets/e-readers. They allow any guy or gal to discreetly read 50 Shades of Grey in a public park or on the subway and comfortably cream their jeans without worrying about eliciting judgemental sneers from the people around them.
The same goes for online shopping. Now that consumers don’t have to enter a brick and mortar store to purchase their Ed Hardy Crocs or that definitely-not-a-back-massager, they can let their inhibitions run wild.
That’s why Estately’s report is so revealing. Online shopping trends are less skewed by shame, so they reveal more about the true nature of the communities from where trends originate.
They also give the public at large a filter-free look into those communities, so that we can make more informed decisions about where to move or vacation and which areas to avoid like Ken Kendrick in a confederate flag bikini (more on that later).
I’ve distilled Estately’s list into a top (or bottom?) five. More specifically, these are the top five states you need to stay away from, because their collective shopping trends are scarier than a megalomaniacal Oompa Loompa with his hands on the nuclear codes.
Image by Estately.
New Jersey (Gucci Fannypack)
Look, there’s nothing inherently wrong with a Gucci fannypack. However, when you pair said fanny pack with the human being that is likely to purchase it, the results look pretty scary. Snooki, JWoww, the various Real Housewives, et al are entertaining to view from the safety of your own living room, but those same Cheeto-colored woo girls are much less charming in person. They’re less cute TV personality and more unstable soccer mom with a pill problem.
Don’t let the velour track suit and 1990s hair fool you: these women are not afraid to fight dirty. That Gucci fannypack is more likely to carry brass knuckles and mini-bottle of vodka than makeup and a wallet, and if you cross them (which is not hard to do) you’re going to find just what kind monster thinks it’s okay to spend $80 on bedazzled canvas bag that attaches to your waist.
West Virginia (Confederate Flag Bikini)
I can’t verify this, but I assume every purchase of a Confederate flag bikini comes with a shotgun, a bottle of Fireball and a boyfriend with priors.
That being said, I can almost support these purchases because I truly believe turning the Confederate flag into the outfit of choice at the next (aboveground) pool party does more to discredit the Confederacy’s legacy than ensure that the South will rise again. However, I can almost guarantee that no one in West Virginia is buying this getup ironically.
I wonder if the Maricopa County Board of Supervisors bought one of these for Diamondbacks owner Ken Kendrick to convince him to take his stupid baseball team and go back to “fucking West Virginia.”
Wisconsin (Truck Nuts)
Oh, truck nuts—the perfect example of blissfully unaware self awareness. I would love to bro-hug the truck dude who invented this accessory and accidently acknowledged what the rest of us were thinking. Just when I thought a 5,000 lb lifted pickup truck with matte black rims and the silhouette of a bikini babe on the back window wasn’t enough of an indication of a motorist’s erectile issues, truck nuts bounced into the picture to ensure that I knew just how small the driver’s man nuts were.
Wisconsin is, apparently, the truck nut capital of America—a state filled with beer-swilling, cheese-chugging, hyper-aggressive manchildren desperately shouting out to the world “I’m a grower, not a shower!”
For some reason, Donald Trump’s surprising electoral victory in Wisconsin makes a lot more sense now.
Indiana (Blow Up Doll)
Vice President Mike Pence might not be able to have dinner with a woman who is not his wife, but that shouldn’t stop him from wining and dining one of these lovely latex ladies, of which citizens of his home state seem to be so fond.
After all, if she’s not really a person, it’s not cheating, right? That might cause some ethical questions for the outspoken pro-lifer, but if Pence’s rise to the vice presidency has taught us anything it’s that he never lets a little thing like personal conviction get in the way of his nut.
That leaves only one question left to ask: Does he call her mother?
Florida (Guy Fieri Cookware)
No purchase better encapsulates the feel and atmosphere of a state than this. A quick Google search tells me that Florida’s state bird is the Northern Mockingbird, but it should really be Guy Fieri.
He should be the state’s governor, father and the mascot for all major universities. Quite simply, nobody better embodies the “fuck it, let’s party” attitude of Florida than the flaxen-tipped celebrity chef.
So it makes complete sense that Floridians would purchase, above all other products, Fieri’s signature cookware. Because you can’t make tequila-soaked jalapeno poppers with just any old cooking set? How am I supposed to assemble these Guy-talian Nachos with tools that are not off the hook? It’d be like trying to drive the bus to Flavortown without the keys.
Unless you’re looking to commit suicide by calorie and/or alcohol, stay far, far away from Florida.
Wayne Schutsky is associate managing editor of Modern Times Magazine.
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