The Trump Diaries:
A Real POTUS For Fake Times
According To Donald Trump’s Not Real Diary, He Believes He May Get on Mt. Rushmore And That His Opposition To Transgender Issues Is That He Wants To Know What He May Be Grabbing
Photo by Doug Molony.
By Jeff Cahlon
Special for Modern Times Magazine
March 29, 2017 — Editor’s Note: The following is satirical in nature and entirely not true. That does not mean it is fake news. If you do not understand what is meant by that, Please see the definition of satire. The following is a satirical take on what President Donald Trump’s Diary might reveal.
February was my first full month as president, and I have already accomplished more than any previous president in history. So I have started keeping a journal to chronicle my tremendous achievements.
Some people are even saying I am likely to be added to Mount Rushmore, right next to the late, great Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln of course served as president during a civil war. And even the Democrats are saying I am well on my way to doing the same!
Despite my great achievements, the media continue to treat me very unfairly. That’s why I decided the dishonest media are one of the American people’s worst enemies. And there is no enemy of America that I am afraid to stand up to—not the dishonest media, not even Australia!
But I hope people understand it is only dishonest media, like the failing New York Times and fake news CNN, that I believe are the enemies of the people. I have great respect for truly fair, reliable news sources, like Fox News, Breitbart, and my personal favorite, Moscow Today (the Voice of the Kremlin)!
As I said at my CPAC speech, I love the First Amendment. That was the same speech at which I said the media should not be allowed to use anonymous sources. Some critics said afterwards that my saying this proved I don’t actually know anything about the First Amendment. But I am a very loving person and I can love something without knowing the first thing about it, like how I love Tiffany Trump!
The dishonest media continue to report about protests against me. These protesters don’t bother me, because they are all just fake paid protesters. At least when I hold a rally, not even the people who are supposed to get paid!
I also read that former president George W. Bush criticized me. That loser is just upset I ended the careers of two different Bushes.
As successful as my presidency has been so far, I have had some setbacks, like when I had to fire my National Security Adviser Michael Flynn. Flynn was doing an amazing job, but I had to fire him because of real leaks about fake news that Flynn really met with a fake Russian ambassador. Why is this so hard to understand: The leaks are real but the ambassador is fake!
So it was very unfair that Flynn got fired over fake news that really happened. And I did a great job firing him for it.
I might also have to fire my press secretary Sean Spicer. He has been giving the media a lot of inaccurate information but that can’t make up for wearing that terrible suit!
If I do fire Sean I will have him hold one more press conference afterwards, to announce it was the greatest firing in history.
I had another setback when my nominee for Labor Secretary, Andrew Putzder (sic), had to withdraw his nomination. Putzder was attacked by the media as being anti-worker for encouraging businesses to replace human employees with robots. Andy’s withdrawal was very unfortunate, since he would have made an excellent Labor Secretary. Andy actually has tremendous love for workers, just as long as they aren’t the type that breathes.
I also got very upset when Nordstrom announced they would stop carrying my daughter Ivanka’s clothing line. Ivanka is such an amazing woman, always trying to get me to do the right thing. But that is so typical of her. Once she even tried to convince Chris Christie to turn down dessert!
My setbacks have been so minor compared to my great victories. For example, I held a terrific event for black history month, at which I talked about Martin Luther King, who of course is best known for the bust that the dishonest media falsely claimed I had removed from the Oval Office.
Recently I heard about another black named Frederic (sic) Douglass, so I also mentioned him. But after the event some reporters said Frederic Douglass is dead and that I should have known about this. I figured they were probably just being dishonest so I asked KellyAnne Conway about this. It turns out Douglas (sic) died in the great Jones Street Slaughter.
How was I supposed to know about this when it was totally ignored by the media?
I also held a very successful news conference, at which at I demonstrated my great presidential temperament. A reporter asked me a question during the news conference about anti-Semitism.
This question greatly offended me, since I am the least anti-Semitic person who has ever lived. In fact, I once even won a “least anti-Semitic” contest when I was younger. The competition was fierce but I eked out a victory over my opponent Steve Bannon!
Another of my great accomplishments has been reversing a rule that Obama had put in place for protection of transgender people. But I actually have great respect for transgender people. I just don’t like surprises when I grab something.
The implementation of my Muslim travel ban was also very smooth, until it was blocked by the courts. I read recently that ISIS praised the travel ban, saying it is proof that the West is at war with Islam. So I am already improving our relations with the Muslim world!
Naturally I was upset about the courts blocking my Muslim travel ban. My Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch, called my attacks on the judiciary “demoralizing” and “disheartening.” I hope no one listens to that so-called judge.
All this presidential work has been exhausting, so I took a break from it to watch the Oscars. I thought the broadcast was terrific, though some Hollywood celebrities said mean things about me. Supposedly there was some sort of major screw-up during the ceremony, but it seemed to me like a well-oiled machine!
One of my favorite parts of being president has been learning some truly fascinating things. For example, recently I discovered the amazing fact that healthcare is complicated. I was almost as shocked as when I found out a nuclear holocaust would be bad! (Although, as KellyAnne Conway was quick to point out, it would be not as bad as the great Bridgetown Bloodbath.)
Fortunately, from here on out, my administration will not have any more setbacks. I used my very good brain to figure out that Barack Obama is behind all the leaks coming from my administration. I actually suspected it was him for a while, but I did wonder how he was getting his information. Then it occurred to me, people always talk to their friends. I knew I never should have hired Ben Carson!
So it looks I will have to fire him too. Poor Ben: another victim of fake news!
Jeff Cahlon is an attorney living in New York City.
Dietary Restructure A family man decides to get a consultation from a nutritionist. But when he realizes that losing weight will mean cutting out food items like cheddar fries, he obfuscates: all in good taste, of course.