Donald Trump Is Transitioning
Take A Trip Down Satirical Lane And Take A Sneak Peek At A Special Address That The President-Elect Was Prevented From Giving By Daughter Ivanka, Son-In-Law Jared and Maybe Some Oompa Loompas
Photo by Doug Molony.
By Jeff Cahlon
Special for Modern Times Magazine
Editor’s Note: The following is satirical in nature and entirely not true. That does not mean it is fake news. If you do not understand what is meant by that, Please see the definition of satire.
Jan. 9, 2017 — As controversy over the Trump transition continues to swirl, I received an email last week from an old friend of mine from college. He said he had gotten his hands on the text of a speech President-elect Donald Trump was to give to the nation on Christmas Day.
“Good evening my fellow Americans, and Merry Christmas. That’s right, I said Merry Christmas. Though I have not yet even been sworn in, I have already made it safe to say Merry Christmas again. The “War on Christmas” has already been won, but I hope you aren’t bored of winning yet, because there are many more such great and meaningful wins yet to come.
But the occasion for this special address is not merely to celebrate our victory in the War on Christmas. Rather, I also wanted to express my confidence in the success of the important transition currently taking place. That’s right, I believe that Arnold Schwarzenegger will make a great new host of Celebrity Apprentice.
It’s true that Arnold will have big shoes to fill. (Literally. Though I have small feet, I’ve always worn large shoes to conceal this.) Fortunately, the show will remain in good (if small) hands, as I will remain firmly in charge as executive producer.
Since I am already speaking to you, I will also take this opportunity to say a few words about another transition currently taking place. In particular, I want to address some issues that have arisen since my historic landslide election victory of negative 3 million votes over Hillary Clinton.
Contrary to reports appearing in the corrupt media, the presidential transition has also been going extremely well. To put it in terms even the failing New York Times would understand, it’s the smoothest, most seamless transition since Bruce became Caitlyn.
I’d like to give a special thank you to President Barack Obama, who has been very helpful during this transition period. I have great respect for President Obama, which is why I was so determined to do him the great service of forcing him to produce his birth certificate, after Hillary started the nasty rumor that he wasn’t born in the United States. And no, Hillary, I will not force President Obama to be included in my Muslim registry.
Indeed, the peaceful transition of power is one of our great democratic traditions. It’s this belief in democracy and the rule of law that sets us apart from dictatorships such as Cuba under the recently deceased Fidel Castro. So I am deeply disappointed in those misguided world leaders who have praised Castro since his death. We should not mourn the death of Castro, a dictator who imprisoned his political opponents but on the other hand also did bad things like provide free healthcare to people.
I would particularly like to address the claim made by the CIA that Russia hacked the Democrats in a deliberate effort to get me elected president. This claim is ridiculous, since if Putin was truly my friend he would have helped me achieve my real dream of winning an Emmy.
It’s true that I greatly admire Putin. He is a strong leader, like me. With a great temperament. Tremendous temperament, really. And it’s true that I received some excellent advice from him about my Secretary of State choice, which of course I heeded. But as Putin himself told me to inform you, I am not his puppet!
In fact, I have it on the indisputable good word of a 16 year old kid on Twitter named Chad, that the real hacker was a 400 pound guy in his bed, who was merely upset about Michelle Obama’s war on fast food.
I also understand some Americans are concerned about reports that I have declined to receive daily intelligence briefings. So let me explain something important. I am a very smart person. Between my very good brain and Chad’s daily tweets, I have all the intelligence I need. Besides, surely I can’t be expected to take time away from preparation for the upcoming season of Celebrity Apprentice.
Speaking of which, I understand some critics are alarmed that I will continue, as president, to also serve as executive producer of Celebrity Apprentice. But even presidents are allowed to have hobbies, and I will devote as much time to being president as my day job will permit.
In addition to my triumph in the War on Christmas, I have also put an end to Michelle Obama’s war on fast food, with my nomination of Hardee’s CEO Andrew Puzder as Labor Secretary. But Andrew is just one of my many excellent Cabinet nominations. Indeed, I am hiring only the very best people to serve in my administration, like the brilliant former Texas governor Rick Perry, who will serve as my Energy Secretary. Some of my Cabinet appointments can even consistently remember the names of the departments they will be heading.
I have set such high standards of character and integrity for service in my Cabinet, in fact, that I was unfortunately unable to offer a position in it to Chris Christie. I just had a very difficult conversation with Chris about this. Chris was especially upset that he got passed over for Labor Secretary in favor of Andrew Puzder. Chris said that if I was looking for an expert on fast food surely there was no one more qualified than him. I had to admit he had a good point, especially considering I haven’t seen him so upset since March 3, 2004 (the date McDonald’s discontinued super-sizing, Chris informed me).
I was also sadly unable to offer a position in my Cabinet to Rudy Giuliani, despite the terrific and very frightening speech he delivered on my behalf at the Republican National Convention. To be honest I was afraid having Rudy around would give me—I mean, would give Barron nightmares.
Similarly, some people were surprised that I considered naming Mitt Romney my Secretary of State, after all the mean things he said about me during the campaign. But the truth is, Mitt and I actually have a lot in common. For example, even though we are both rich businessmen, we still derive our greatest joy from the simple things in life, like firing someone who provides services to you.
I’m also proud that I will have one of the most diverse administrations in history, with nearly every major department of Goldman Sachs represented. Even more important is the tremendous level of ideological diversity that will be represented in my administration, from the far right to the alt-right.
I’ve also continued my minority outreach efforts by nominating a black to head the Department of Housing and Urban Development. It’s true that, as Dr. Ben Carson himself pointed out, he doesn’t have any government experience. So it’s fortunate that I nominated Dr. Carson for a position that anyone can tell he is qualified for, just by looking at him.
I am proud my minority outreach efforts during the campaign were tremendously successful. Though I did not receive many black votes, I did succeed in reducing the overall level of black turnout. That I was able to keep so many blacks from going to the polls is even more amazing considering that none of them have jobs they needed to get to.
Well, I was also planning to finally reveal my secret plan to destroy ISIS, but unfortunately I am out of time. I need to get to an important transition meeting.
I don’t want to keep Arnold waiting.”
Jeff Cahlon is an attorney living in New York City.
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