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The Last Minute Holiday
Gift Giving Guide

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Image by JD Hancock and used under a Creative Commons license.
From Last Minute Christmas Gatherings To Dinner Parties With Your Boyfriend’s Mom’s Boss, The Holiday Season Is Filled With Unexpected Gift-Giving Events That Can Leave You Scrambling

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By Stephanie Sparer
Modern Times Magazine

Dec. 23, 2016 — So, you decided to have friends and family this year. That’s cool. Then one of them invites you to a gift exchange party. What the fuck? We’re all over 13, right?

I mean, oh that’s cool.

But also, like, fuck. Will there at least be wine, because, as stated previously, we’re all over 13.

Still, fuck. Now you have to actually buy some gifts. Some decent gifts. As such is the true meaning of Christ-mas; gettin’ crap for people you didn’t think you’d have to get crap for. Sort of last minute.

Never fear. I’m here to help you pick out some gifts to get when you have to get gifts for people.

Your Significant Other’s Sibling: TBH You Forgot They Existed
The Gift Tag-Along and the Gift Card
Do you even talk to them? If the answer is no, then your best bet is to slyly sign your name on the to/from gift tag on whatever your significant other bought them. This works 99 percent of the time. If you’re feeling generous, a gift card looks good on just about anyone. Buy this Amazon card on your goddamn phone Christmas Eve and send via email if times are that desperate. Siblings also sometimes like mason jars full of hooch, and, depending on your situation, you could maybe make yourself some moonshine to get you through the holidays and gift the leftovers.

Your Significant Other’s Parents: You’ve Seen Their Kid Naked
Something over $50
Sorry. This one might sting. But due to circumstances and the media-induced pressure to impress a significant other’s parents, you have to make the parents forget you’re fucking their kid by getting them a gift in at least close to the $50 price range. That means you can’t get them mugs or something. It means you have to get them the sterling French Press or this cool decanter that seems expensive. Avoid having to deduce their personalities, if they have any, by getting a joint gift the parents can share. We’re talking your serving platters for dems, your drink carts if they’re republican, or a whole case of Barefoot Chardonnay if you’re dealing with a divorced, white mother of either political persuasion.

The Acquaintance: The Friend You Met Through a Friend
You know. What’shisname.
Oh goody, Craig is going to be at the party. I mean Greg. I said Greg.

...Greg, right?

Whether you’re dealing with a boyfriend’s friend you can’t be bothered with or just some person who is always at parties but you never talk to, go with a unisex gift that you can give to anyone, such as this relatively inexpensive, but impressive looking, whiskey set or this candle that smells like whiskey for the person who doesn’t drink all that much. It shows you care enough to get them a gift but not so much that you bothered to see if they’re even into drinking or candles.

The Friend You Forgot: Regina is very quiet, it’s understandable.
The Art of the Regift
Chances are you got a candle that smells like autumn this year. Or wood. Or maybe whiskey from someone you barely talk to who didn’t know what to get you (see above). That’s great. Keep it in its original packaging, take your name off the tag, and give it to Regina so she can regift it to Chad. Cost: $0

The Friend You Like: But they’re hard to shop for
Something significant
Unlike the time your dad brought you home a new mom, a nice material possession from a friend never disappoints. If you like someone either for sexual purposes or as just a pal, take into consideration some of their attributes and dig around a little for some gift ideas. A casual hint of being into cooking might make this Le Creuset dutch oven the most thoughtful gift they’ve ever received and something they’ll use for the next 60 years. A movie buff may enjoy a Criterion edition, of well, anything, because chances are they collect those Blu-rays like a Kardashian collects husbands who used to be basketball players. Your gift doesn’t have to be crazy expensive, but make sure it does have a significant meaning. Buying a crap gift for a good friend is just well, crappy.

Small Gifts When Someone Gets You a Gift and You’re Like, Crap, Now I Need to Get Them Something, Too: A Quick List
Have these All-Occasion Gifts On Hand
Tea Towel Gift Set in unisex colors
Impressive Candy you actually want to eat
A Cute Houseplant in a pinch
Cool Pillow Covers (don’t forget to buy the actual pillow)
A Fun Party Game that you’d probably never want to play

Happy gifting. May you get something you actually like this year. Like a family that actually respects you and all the hours you work so you can keep your mom in her fucking chardonnay, goddammit.
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