With Insufferable Relatives
By Wayne Schutsky
Modern Times Magazine
Nov. 24, 2016 — Thanksgiving is a special time of year reserved for expressing gratitude, visiting with loved ones, and committing seppuku on your butterknife because Uncle Randy refuses to take his “Make America Great Again” hat off at the dinner table.
Behind all of the turkey, stuffing and thankfulness nonsense, Thanksgiving is actually little more than a psychological minefield that Americans are forced to traverse every year. Surviving America’s underwhelming exceptionalism is not enough. Thanksgiving is the last lap in the yearly race — the final hurdle to surpass before reaching the end of year and moving one step closer to the sweet relief of death.
No year better exemplifies this truth than 2016, the year that took Leonard Cohen and gave us President-elect Donald Trump. The latter part of that statement is going to ruin a lot of Thanksgivings this year as birthers, truthers, I’mwithhers, Greatagainers, Feeltheberners and racists brawl over the results of the 2016 presidential election and what it means for our country.
The fight over the last roll a few years ago will pale in comparison.
In order to avoid some of those standard Thanksgiving pitfalls (or potentially take advantage of them), I’ve come up with a few ideas as to how you can make the best out of the toxic political climate that is sure to storm up to your Thanksgiving meal and, in the words of our next president, “grab it by the pussy.”
The first idea is a fun one, a game really. I call it “Uncle Hitler Trump.” While that may just sound like the name David Duke assumes when fondling family members, it is actually a very fun game that is suitable for the whole family (because we’re all doomed anyway).
The rules are simple. Every time your racist Uncle Ted says something awful, you have to type his statement into Google verbatim. Next, scroll through the search results to see if his phrase closely resembles a Donald Trump or Adolph Hitler quote or if it is an original quote.
If the statement is an original thought conjured up in whatever Fox News and the Texas public school system replaced your Uncle’s brain with, you win. But, in “Uncle Hitler Trump,” every winner is actually a loser. To claim your prize, drink a gallon of gravy mixed with red wine and fall asleep in the front yard.
If parlor games aren’t your thing, give “Kool-Aid” a try. This is a great way to metaphorically bury the hatchet with your family members before you physically bury the hatchet in one of your family members.
To start, mix up a batch of your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid and dish it into several plastic cups. Then, approach the family members you’ve been arguing all day with and offer to make them a nice, tasty drink as a sign of good will. If they accept, pass the Kool-Aid around and watch intently as you all finish every last drop.
Finally, allow your breathing and heartbeat to slow down as the cyanide soaks into every fabric of your being and takes you away from this awful place.
Extra points if you leave a note claiming you’re all part of a Trump-centric death cult that will be reborn as follicles on the President-elect’s scalp.
If ritual suicide sounds a little too dramatic for you, then “Fun Names” is a little more your speed. This game was inspired by the creativity Scottish Twitter displayed when Donald Trump visited Scotland earlier this year.
All you have to do is get wildly plastered and come up with creative insults to call your family members. You get one point every time Aunt Regina’s forehead vein pops out and two points if your mom cries. If you need help getting started, I’ve included some timeless Scottish insults below.
I hate Trump and everything he stands for. Whispy-haired, leather faced, bawbag-eyed fuck bumper. He can take his golf course to fuck.— Craig Johnstone (@comedianofsorts) June 25, 2016
.@realDonaldTrump Scotland voted overwhelmingly to stay in Europe you toupéd fucktrumpet— Finn den Hertog (@FinndH) June 24, 2016
@realDonaldTrump Scotland voted to stay in the EU you cock juggling thundercunt!— Robert Williams (@wrexham_canuck) June 24, 2016
Thanksgiving is a yearly reminder that America loves a car crash. Every year, right as the weather is cooling off and the leaves turn pretty fall colors, we’re all forced to head home to eat bland shitty food and argue with bland shitty people. So, you might as well have fun with it!
Dietary Restructure A family man decides to get a consultation from a nutritionist. But when he realizes that losing weight will mean cutting out food items like cheddar fries, he obfuscates: all in good taste, of course.