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The Five Planks Left Out
Of The GOP Party Platform

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Caricature by DonkeyHotey and used under a Creative Commons License. The source image for this caricature of a Republican elephant is a Creative Commons licensed photo from Visnu Pitiyanuvath's Flickr photostream.
There Are No Bad Ideas, But These Are The Five Planks Republicans Left On The Cutting Room Floor During The Republican National Convention


By Bartleby Scrivener
Modern Times Magazine

July 26, 2016 — Republican politicians, delegates and racist uncles gathered in Cleveland last week for the Republican National Convention in order to nominate Donald Trump and Governor Baby Funeral Mike Pence to the GOP presidential ticket. But, that’s not all they did.

In addition to chanting several strings of words very loudly over and over again, Republicans also managed to establish the new GOP party platform. And to prove that their party really is “hip with the times” (as the kids say) that new platform includes the most anti-LGBTQ language of any party platform to date (take that Nancy Reagan!), calls to include the Bible in public school curriculum and calls to racially profile immigrants and refugees based on their country of origin, amongst other forward thinking ideas.

In other words, Republicans are doing their best to “make America great again,” you know, like it was in the 1950s when everything was “Happy Days” perfect (I see you Scott Baio) and nothing bad ever happened to anyone.

Basically, this RNC was a complete success, drawing praise from everyone from former KKK leader David Duke to Libertarian raisin cake Alex Jones.

But in order to make its way to that perfect platform, the RNC had to break a few eggs, and not every idea thrown out at the convention made the final cut. Here is a list of five party platforms that the GOP decided not to use.

Same Species Marriage
Now that the Supreme Court has effectively made same-sex marriage legal across the country, it is only a matter of time before the prophet Bill O’Reilly’s portent comes true and someone tries to marry a goat or, gasp, the family dog. Thus, several party members suggested that the GOP state its dedication to the idea that marriage is between “one human man and one human woman.”

Donald Trump insisted that the party abandon the plank, because of its vague language. He did suggest changing the phrasing to state that marriage is between “one human man and one human woman for, like, a few years and then another human woman until she gets ugly and then a super model.”

Maximum Work For Minimum Pay
Since Barack Obama took office, corporate profits are up, employment is up and long term unemployment is down, but that’s mostly a fluke. The GOP is the real party of economic prosperity and it has a plan to sky rocket corporate profits to record levels all while bringing the unemployment rate down to zero.

The main crux of this potential plank involves lowering the minimum wage to $2 per hour and allowing companies to pay employees in credits that are only usable at the company store. That way employers can afford to hire more workers without worrying about losing any money at all.

It’s a real win-win. People get jobs and can (probably) survive and all of those millionaires and billionaires get to keep raking in the cash (the good ones like Donald Trump, not the bad ones like Hillary Clinton).

This plank met the axe when someone realized that its basic premise is akin to indentured servitude.

In order to attract the younger generation, the GOP decided to get on ‘The Twitter’ and do a little hashtagging in its party platform. This specific plank has to do with shining a light on the terrible plight of a very underserved and ignored group: rich people.

Did you know that 30 wealthy people die from yacht-related violence per year? I didn’t think so.

Did you know that every year nearly 15 rich teenagers drunkenly crash Range Rovers into families of four and receives excessive sentences of up to two years probation? I doubt it.

Did you know that every year roughly 87 drunken frat bros piss themselves after being tasered by campus police for exposing themselves in public? No, you didn’t.

There’s no minority group smaller than the top one percent, and it is about time someone started paying attention to how hard it is to be rich.

Facebook Free Speech Protections
As most School House Rock fearing third graders know, the First Amendment to the Constitution, amongst other things, bars Congress from passing any law that infringes on the rights of individuals to speak freely. Some in the Republican party do not think it goes far enough, and they would like to change that definition a bit.

Specifically, they would like to edit the First Amendment to protect them from criticism when they post stupid shit on Facebook. For instance, when your Aunt Gladys posts an article from about the Muslim President’s bedazzled Koran collection, these new protections would make it illegal for you to call her a Trump Chump, blithering idiot and/or Roger Ailes’ discarded condom.

The party eventually abandoned this platform because most members are still trying to figure out “how to put the Facebook on my dang phone.” But this hasn’t stopped Aunt Gladys or that racist guy you went to highschool with from pulling out the “IT’S CALLED FREE SPEECH” or “I can say whut I want cuz the first amendment!” defense on a daily basis anyway.

What The Hell Is The Whip/Nae Nae?
Republicans do not know what The Whip/Nae Nae is, and they would like someone to explain it to them. Is it like those new vaporizing cigarettes or something on the Internets?

Wayne Schutsky is an associate managing editor at Modern Times Magazine.
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