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Moving To Canada
For Dummies

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Arrows added to illustrate a mass exodus to Canada in the event of a Donald Trump presidency. Background image colored by El bart089 and used under a Creative Commons license.
We’ve Compiled A Beginner’s Guide For All Of The Ex-Pats Thinking Of Moving To Canada If, Or When, Donald Trump Becomes President


By Wayne Schutsky
Modern Times Magazine

March 28, 2016 — The concept of moving to Canada should Donald Trump (pronounced Drumpf) become President is all the rage these days amongst disillusioned voters from both major parties. That chorus has only grown louder as the chances become better by the day that a tiny-fingered megalomaniac with a serious case of penis envy will become president.

Before you pull on your hockey sweater (it’s not a jersey!), grow out your beard and start pronouncing all of your vowels with a long “ehhh”, there are a few things you need to know.

I sat down with my resident Canadian friend Matt Klassen (a rye-guzzling, Blue Jays-obsessed, hockey-loving, Canadian-born musician and writer who lives in the Valley) to discuss the nitty gritty of what being a Canadian is all about. Spoiler alert: it’s not all maple syrup, hockey and liberal wet dreams (though, there are a fair amount of all of those things).

Canada’s Texas
Sorry to disappoint all of you lefties out there hoping to escape the Texasification of the U.S. by moving to the Great White North, but Canada has a Texas all its own. It’s called Alberta.

How Texas is it? some ways, at least. The province is awash in oil and the globs of money (and moneyed douchebags) that come with it. Much like Texas, the area also has a “Bible Belt” feel and has been highly-conservative and evangelical for decades.

But, before you Ted Cruz fans (#CruzCrew) get too excited, know that the area is a-changing. In a major upset, the liberal NDP won a majority government in Alberta in 2015. Plus, Alberta’s richest, oiliest city, Calgary, elected Naheed Nenshi, who is both liberal and Muslim, as mayor in 2010.

Pick a side. Americans love their extreme politics and this whole “will they or won’t they” thing that Albertans are playing with liberal and conservative values is way too ‘Ross and Rachel’ for us.

The Deep South
Yep, Canada has one of these, too, and it’s called Quebec. While Montreal is a very cosmopolitan city, Klassen described much of the rest of the province as “the Deliverance part of Canada.”

The backwoods of Quebec are full of people speaking French-ish who are known for being none too inviting to English speakers. Sounds a bit like cajun Louisiana, no? C’est Bon.

And what about religious strife? Much like our South, Quebec has a history of intolerance, too!

From judges forcing women to remove hijabs to persecuting evangelicals and atheists, Quebec has a history rich in discrimination against religious beliefs (or lackthereof) that oppose the dominant religion (Catholicism).

Canada’s Heroes
Disenfranchised Bernie Bros. and Clinton-ites will also need to get very comfortable with one person before moving to Canada: Don Cherry. This man encompasses every old racist grandfather you’ve ever met in one awful, brightly-colored zoot suit, and he also happens to be a Canadian legend and national treasure.

Cherry is familiar to some Americans as he is the former head coach of the Boston Bruins. He is much more familiar to every single Canadian as the host of one of the highest-rated television programs in Canada, Hockey Night in Canada.

He’s basically John Madden but way more political. And while many Americans see Canada as a liberal wonderland, Cherry is the antithesis of that sentiment. He’s everything you hated about all the shitty sports coaches you had as a kid. He’s a super conservative cartoon character that would much rather watch two sub-par goons fight it out than actually see quality hockey take place on the ice (or is it the pitch? No that’s soccer. I mean football. Futbol?).

Everything you need to know about Cherry can be summed up in who he likes and dislikes. He likes any “man’s man”, someone willing to fight for their ideals, no matter how backwards. He probably agrees with Peyton Manning that any sports-related sexual assault can be blamed on allowing women in the locker room.

On the other hand, Cherry thinks a man is “soft” if he’s not a hulking, ham-fisted brawler built on the 1950s model of an emotionally-distant, possibly-abusive father. That includes Europeans, kids who talk back to their parents, and anyone who doesn’t fight.

I know what you’re thinking. He sounds awfully aggressive for someone who dresses like Liberace, right?

If you’re moving to Canada, you have to realize that Cherry is part of its very fabric, because the same Canada that produced the lefty Abercrombie model turned Prime Minister Justin Trudeau also created Cherry and embraces him to this day.

And that’s not all that surprising when you realize that it also created coked up Donald Trump clone Rob Ford and the sentient tank top Justin Bieber.

The Maritimes
A lot of this “move to Canada” hubbub got started when a Cape Breton Island invited Americans to move there in the event of a Trump presidency.

Cape Breton is a part of Nova Scotia, which is one of three provinces that make up the “fucking rural” Maritimes area in Eastern Canada. There aren’t a lot of conservatives in the Maritimes, but that’s only because there’s not a lot of people there, period.

The entire population of the Maritimes, three provinces mind you, was under 2 million people in 2011. So, if sitting in a cabin staring at a wall while Donald Trump governs a country very far away from you sounds like a good night, then The Maritimes might be for you.

Nova Scotia is also where the Trailer Park Boys are from and depending on how much weed you smoked today, that could make you either really want to move there or really want to stay away.

Blame Canada
Canada’s not all bad.

You could move there and be happy. You may even find that you’re happier in Canada than you ever were in America, despite the country’s numerous shortcomings I listed above. I mean they’ve got that single-payer healthcare everyone’s favorite yelling grandpa Bernie is always talking about, they’re very nice immigrants and their Prime Minister is a hard 10.

When America elects Donald Trump , Canada is not a bad alternative (as long as you steer clear of Don Cherry) until everything blows over or Fuhrer Drumpf steers us into an inevitable World War III scenario. It may even be in the best interest of your safety to move up there.

But one of the best parts of being an American is continuing to do the wrong thing over and over again until everyone stops telling you you’re wrong, and wouldn’t you much rather sit back in the comfort of that American exceptionalism and watch it all burn to the ground?
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