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A Message From
President Donald J. Trump

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The Next President Of The United States — At Least In His Own Mind — Takes On The State Of The Union, Feminazis, The Federal Reserve And The Golden Border Fence With Mexico

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By Future President Trump
Modern Times Magazine

Feb. 23, 2015 — My fellow Americans, future President Donald J. Trump here with your 2017 State of the Union.

No, wait, I do not like how that sounds. It just doesn’t roll off the tongue right, does it?

Instead of President, why don’t you all call me Supreme Overlord, Protector of Freedom, And All Around Handsome Guy Donald J. Trump. Yeah, that sounds perfect. I don’t want you confusing me some of those other presidents. You know, the losers. Like Barack Obummer. If that guy’s so great, then why isn’t he still president? He might blame “term limits” but we all no it’s because he’s a loser with a horseface. Plus, he ruined the economy.

Sure, some folks might say he left the economy in better shape than he found it. Those people are dumb. They’re idiots. They’ don’t know prudent financial management like me, Donald J. Trump, owner of 10 billion $1 bills and an olympic-sized swimming pool filled with enough gold coins to make Scrooge McDuck shit his pants.

Don’t worry my humble servants, I mean fellow Americans. I am here to fix the problem Barack Hussein Obama started.

New Mexico, Alaska and Nevada, you’re fired. You’re unemployment rates are too high and you’re not creating jobs. I’m gifting you to Canada in exchange for some high-class maple syrup and a signed photo of Canadian hottie Tatiana Maslany. You can go too, Iowa. You know what you did.

Next, I’ve told respected award-winning economist Janet Yellen that she better get her delicate female sensibilities out of the Federal Reserve, because she balked at my plan to build a totally awesome wall on the U.S.-Mexico border with the gold bricks held in Federal Reserve banks. If there are any bricks left, I would also like to build a wall between the U.S. and Islam to keep the terrorists out.

Yellen just doesn’t have the stones that it takes to make important financial decisions, and I am done playing games. Plus, have you seen her? That’s why I have my best people tracking down Mr. Moneybags from Monopoly to sit on the Federal Reserve throne. He’s a real financial genius, and I personally used his patented “roll the dice” system to turn the Trump Plaza in Atlantic City into a very lucrative tax write off.

If he’s not available, then I will do the job myself. After all, who is better at managing money than the guy whose face is now on all of our money? No one knows money like me. My companies — not me, Donald J. Trump — have only filed for four bankruptcies since 1991. And in that time, I — Donald J. Trump — have created roughly 1 billion American jobs. I don’t like to brag, but I have done more good for the U.S. economy than Franky Roosevelt, deregulation and unnecessary wars combined.

On the foreign policy front, I’ve nominated Michael Bay to fill the empty Secretary of Defense position that was vacated when John Cena tore his rotator cuff at WrestleMania. Mr. Bay’s hard at work writing the script for our next invasion of Syria, tentatively titled ISIS And Muslim No Good: Super Soldier American Freedom To The Land of Trump and Awesome. It’s going to be a ‘uge box office and foreign policy hit.

I have also sent my beautiful, lovely, sexually-active daughter Ivanka, also known as the Secretary of State, to Russia to distract Putin with her long legs and voluptuous breasts.

Megyn Kelly and her horde of femminazi “journalists” might take issue with that, because they’re jealous that my daughter is so hot and bangable and they’re just all horse-faced super bitches. I would never say that, but that’s exactly what they are.

There’s a few more things I would like to talk about, but I really have to go. I have to make at least three human sacrifices before midnight or my hair just won’t look right in the morning.

This satire was provided to you by Wayne Schutsky, associate managing editor, Modern Times Magazine
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