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What If Confederate Flag

Lovers Could Be Honest?

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In The Age Of Political Correctness And Closet Racists, It Is Not Very Hard To Believe That Anyone Claiming To Support What Has Become Known As The Confederate Flag Is Likely A Racist


By Bizarro Wayne Schutsky
Modern Times Magazine

July 4, 2015 — If you don’t like the Confederate Flag, you’re a racist. There, I said it. I know it’s not the popular opinion amongst the commie-socialist Obama-files and ISIS-sponsored Liberal media types, but it is the truth.

The Stars and Bars is key piece of white culture, and now there’s people trying to destroy it. This is another in a long line of aggressions against white people in this country that make it so hard for us to live here.

Think about it. It’s been nearly eight years since we’ve had a white President in this country. Eight years! Plus, nearly 20 percent of Congress is made up of non-white people. It’s the first time in the history of this country we’ve had to deal with such underrepresentation. And now they want to destroy our culture too, just because the Confederate Flag is supposedly racist.

In reality, the Confederate Flag is an irreplaceable piece of history like the Statue of Liberty or the KFC Double Down. The only difference is this piece of history only matters to the small percentage of us white folks here in the good ol’ South who are smart enough to spot the mooslims, terrorists and other ne-erdowells hiding around every corner trying to destroy America.

I know what you’re thinking. Doesn’t the Confederate Flag actually represent a group of white folks who tried to destroy America 150 years ago? That’s what the textbooks want you to think, but, in my opinion, that’s not true because I don’t want it to be.

Northerners and Californians and sodomites—aren’t they really just the same thing anyway?—wouldn’t understand what the Confederate flag means to us good Christian Southern Whites. While they’re drinking mimosas, watching Sex and the City and sexing for pleasure, whites in the South are suffering.

How are we suffering? Well, some of us don’t have jobs and others aren’t making as much money as they want to. Sure, we still have a much lower poverty rate than any other race in the region, according to the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation, but that’s because those races are lazy or don’t want to have an education or aren’t good at being godly, I bet.

Us whites are living good Christian lives and we’re only doing kind of significantly better than people with different colored skin. How is that fair to us?

Plus, there’s people of other religions, skin colors and sexual persuasions living their lives. That makes me feel uncomfortable, but there’s nothing I can do about it.

It wasn’t always that way, though. Back in the early and mid-1800s, the South was thriving. Then, like, some stuff happened at the end of the century that made things less great for whites in the South.

Before that, the economy was booming because the Southern states had the right to rule themselves and were doing a good job at it. We had some uniquely Southern policies that were making life good down here (for white people).

But, then the North had to come in and ruin it. The Federal government stepped in and started trying to tell us what to do. So, the Southern states began to secede to defend their rights. And, they flew the Confederate Flag to represent that right to govern themselves (though, the flag we fly today was a rarely used battle flag that is only relevant because the KKK began using it in the mid-20th century).

That’s what the Confederate Flag stands for: The Southern states’ right to govern themselves and institute certain economic and social policies that propped up the agricultural industry and resulted in an economic boom period that benefited us whites.

We just want to remember that good ol’ time when whites in the South had power. What’s racist about that?

If you’re trying to take away our symbol of white power, then you’re the racist.

Bizarro Wayne Schutsky is the satirical, questioning, fourth dimensional version of Wayne Schutsky, senior writer for Modern Times Magazine.
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